"Can you control yourself from trying to control others?"
Defining Outward Control
Control here is defined in the context as trying to change others whether it is in their way of doing things, or their way of thinking i.e. their opinions, beliefs and lifestyle and so forth.
The article is about addressing the Suffering State of Mind when one feels the need to control others.
Outward Control In Depth
To address the Sufferings that can be experienced when one tries to control others one needs to address it at the level of the state of mind rather than the action.
For instance, when we try to control the other person from doing something and experience suffering when they don’t do what we want, the suffering is there not because of whatever actions that has happened in the outer world, but rather it is because of our state of mind – because our desires are not being fulfilled.
Realize that if we were simply expressing our own beliefs and opinions about what we were thinking, i.e. telling a meat eater that eating meat is bad without the desire of changing them then we would not encounter the state of Suffering.
That is why the focus of address here is on the State rather than the Actions.
Thus one can simply develop the Knowing of how much one has issues to do with Control by observing how much negativity is experienced when others are not in agreement with our opinions.
Importance Of Addressing Outward Control
When we have a desire to control others it can bring a great deal of misery – because what we will discover is that people rarely will do what we expect/desire them to do.
One will never experience true happiness if one is in a state of needing to control. This state is simply a sign that The Self is currently rejecting the moment rather than Accepting the moment.
Control is what drives the Negative Emotion which is Anger. Thus anger will always follow when there is a need to control others.
The need to control others can fuel us with anger which can bring great confusion to our mind. As a result it can make it difficult for us to express ourselves clearly because our negativities can make us imagine that others have already disagreed with us even before we have said anything.
Path Of Creator
Outward Control In Relation To The Path Of Creator
The journey begins by understanding that it is not through our actions which define whether or not we are controlling but it is through our internal reactions. If we experience negative reactions within when we are in a disagreement with someone then we are in a state of suffering. Such experiences are signs that there are still room for further growth and transformation.
The need to control can create anger and confusion to the mind thus it can be difficult for one to understand that one has a control issue. Thus unless one develops a high level of awareness of their Inner Worlds otherwise it is hard to see the work that needs to be done.
The destination we want to reach is a state where we can express ourselves - even if we have different opinions - with the state of acceptance / peace / harmony within even if other people do not accept our opinions.
As all forms of Sufferings recede to Negative Ideas, let us look at the theme of control at the Idea Level of the Mind.
At The Idea Level
When we have become attached to a Negative Idea we will not desire for it to manifest itself in the world. This particular desire can be translated as the need to control.
Let us look at a few Negative Ideas to understand the various ways we can release ourselves from the attachment towards these Negative Ideas.
“It Is Not Ok To Be Wrong”
It is natural that everyone has their own unique Ideas of what is right and wrong.
But when we become attached to the Negative Idea that “It is not ok to be wrong” then one can fall into the illusion/belief that some things must be corrected “i.e. controlled” so that it becomes right.
As a consequence this can drive one to control others in a negative way i.e. defying other people’s ideas and striving to change them until it suits their own beliefs. And The Self who does this will often fall into the illusion that they are “helping” others and doing something “loving.” Whether or not they are doing this out of love will require them to know whether they are doing such “corrections” out of Fear / Negativity or out of actualy Love / Wisdom from within.
The transition towards the positive declaration begins through developing Self-Acceptance i.e. becoming more loving towards The Self as is, rather than living to meet the expectations of what The Self “should be.” When we become more accepting toward others and ourselves when they/we are wrong it will allow us to release the fear of being wrong as well.
Realize that if we continue in the attempts of trying to change other people when they are wrong because of the negative reactions we experience from within we will not only be sustaining the Negative Idea but also the Fears of being Wrong.
“It is not ok to be Imperfect”
We are all perfectionists – to an extent.
We all carry ideas of what the "Perfect Self" is. And we would have picked up a lot of these Ideas from our interactions with our parents/family during childhood years from their expectations on how we should behave.
Thus a controlling person will most likely have been brought up in a controlling environment i.e. having a controlling parent etc. But again, the issues of the mind are already there before one is born, childhood experiences simply bring out into light what one already has.
Whatever the reason, realize that when one becomes attached to the ideas of right and wrong it can create many fears which can drive The Self to control not only oneself but also others.
When we carry the belief that The Self "should be" a certain way in order to be accepted, we can also see ourselves and other selves as Imperfect when these expectations are not met which can drive us with the desire to control others i.e. our children so that they can be “perfect” and “Accepted.”
To release simply develop Two-Way Acceptance towards all “imperfect” selves.
“It is not ok to not be responsible”
Often our ideas of responsibilities can cause us to become controlling.
For the mind which carries the negative declaration, the person will tend to be attached to the ideas of responsibilities. Responsibilities are the ideas of what and how the Self should be.
The transition towards the positive declaration begins when one realizes that responsibilities are just ideas that people have created in their minds so it is not something that is Universal. The only Universal responsibilities we have is actually ourselves because we will always be directly responsible to ourselves in whatever we do in life.
For the mind which carries the positive declaration, one will be able to do things and express themselves not out of ideas of responsibilities but rather out of love.
“It Is Not Ok To Control”
This is a strange Negative Idea that some people may become attached to.
So let us look at it in closer detail.
The nature of Negative Ideas is that when we have a Negative Idea in our Minds it will be directed both ways i.e. Towards ourselves and towards Others.
If one has the following Negative Idea in one’s Mind “It is not ok to control” then one will reject oneself when one is controlling others at the same time reject others when they are being controlling.”
Such a Negative Idea is difficult to transform and be released if one has not developed a high level of Stillness within oneself because the Negative Idea will often bring experiences that involve a great deal of confusion.
For example, when we become angry and yell at someone for controlling us in a certain way i.e. telling us to not to speak in a certain way, we may only see them as the only one being controlling. But when we develop Stillness from within what we will see that as we look inwards we will also realize that we are controlling as well - i.e. we are also trying to control them to not control us. Thus when two people with control issues are placed together it can spark a lot of anger and confusion.
The transition towards Potentiated Ideas happens when one realizes that everyone has the right and entitlement to be who they are. Thus the journey will involve allowing others to express their beliefs at the same time reaching the state where we can express our beliefs without the desire to change other people’s beliefs.
"By Not Controlling Others, We Are Learning How To Control Ourselves.”
We can develop the ability to be in control by simply not controlling other people when we feel a need to control them. This can be situations when someone has angered us because they have done something wrong or when we are frustrated with an undesirable situation that has presented itself.
By not trying to control anything in this situation when we feel a desire to control we are developing Inner Power to resist the urge to control.
Here, instead of trying to control, one can simply use one’s mental energy to simply observe what is happening in the deeper mind, observing and uncovering the Negativities within. The more one chooses to resist the desire to control others, the deeper one will be able to penetrate and see/experience the negativities within oneself.
But remember to always focus on pulling oneself back into a state of peace and Stillness rather than to suppress one's desires to control others with negativity and suppression. The former will help with Self-Transformation but the later will simply generate more negativities thus sustaining the Negative Ideas
Develop Experienced Knowledge
To develop deeper Knowing one can try to maintain a state of Stillness in situations where they experience the desire to control others.
Then simply observe the Inner Resistance and ask the question.
“Why cannot I accept that person as Is?”
And then ask,
“Why can I not accept that part in myself as well?”
The Creator's MeditationLink here
When you meditate and experience noise or distraction surrounding you which disturbs your practice i.e. noise from the kitchen or from cars nearby simply Accept that they are there without the desire to control them.
The more you can simply Accept the "flaws" and "imperfections" that can happen during meditation the more you are developing Self-Transformation.
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