"Hmm...how to love an unreasonable person without a reason?"
Have you ever met an unreasonable person?
Someone who you cannot agree with?
Someone who often makes unreasonable demands on you?
We will all eventually meet such Selves in our lives. And when we meet them, it can be difficult to accept them for who they are, especially when their presence begins to intrude into our lives.
How to face them?
Should we argue with them when we don't agree with them?
How to love them for who they are?
Should we avoid them?
How to avoid them?
In this article, we will explore the answers to these questions in depth because much confusion and unhappiness can be experienced when someone unreasonable comes into our lives.
Unreasonable In Depth
What one defines as an unreasonable person will always recede back to the beliefs one has about what is Loving and what is not.
Thus from a spiritual perspective, an unreasonable person does not really “exist” in the world outside; they are simply labels that we have created within the mind.
I mean, if everyone in this world apart from you is unreasonable, then you will be the only unreasonable person in their eyes.
So, to truly address the issues one has with an unreasonable person, one has to look within to see how these beliefs are created, i.e. why they are there.
Dealing with Unreasonable People
To begin, this article is not about learning what one “should” do or one “should not do” when one is dealing with an Unreasonable person in order to live "correctly" or be a "saintly" person.
This article is more about how we can address the unhappiness and confusion that often arises when faced with an unreasonable person so that we can be truly happy inside.
So, however you wish to deal with unreasonable people will always be up to your own choice. There are no absolutely “right” or “wrong” things that you can really do as these ideas will always be completely subjective.
So, how to be happy when we are around unreasonable people?
Of course, "happiness" can be experienced when we feel like we have overpowered the unreasonable people we don't like, maybe through winning an argument with them or seeing them properly punished for their bad deeds. But such positive feelings will always be short-lived. What guarantee is there that you won't be the one losing the argument next time? What if you met another similar person who is even more intolerable?
To deal with unreasonable by simply fighting against them thus can end up as an unending battle, where your happiness is the casualty.
So what is a better way?
The only way for one to be truly happy is to accept the people that one cannot accept.
Of course, this will feel impossible when one tries. Because as one tries, one will begin to face all sorts of negativities within, which can bring great confusions to the mind. Have you ever tried to forgive someone after an argument with them?
Thus the journey of Self-Acceptance can be extremely challenging. And to make progress on that journey, one will have to look within to develop the Knowing as to why one cannot accept the people they cannot accept.
To do so, one can begin to practice of Stilling the mind—i.e. putting all the chaotic thoughts aside, thoughts to do with punishing the other person, fears of encountering them, and so forth.
It's only when the mind is clear, the cause of one's reactions and thoughts can be seen.
The practice of meditation is highly encouraged because it can help one to bring Stillness back to their mind so the Self-Knowing can arise. Without Stillness, one will simply be stuck in the chaos of the mind and coming up with nothing but ways to deal with life situations at the surface level.
Realize that when one thinks with an agitated mind, the solutions will always be an agitated one.
So, instead of devoting one's energy to generating thoughts, one learns to rest the mind instead, bringing it to Stillness.
By practising meditation—the art of observing one's mind—one will gradually find the cause of their unhappiness. There are many guided meditation videos you can try on the Courses page to help you get started.
Through the journey of Self-Knowing, one might discover, for example, that the more one tries to control the other person, the more suffering one will experience. If this is the case, then the issues to do with control will need to be explored.
See Catalyst – Control for more details.
Importance Of Addressing Unreasonable
Let us look at some reasons why it's important to address the Suffering States of mind when there's an unreasonable person in our life.
When we engage in conversations with them, it can stir up the mind, generating ceaseless amounts of unpleasant wandering thoughts.
Do you often find yourself holding a grudge against a particular person?
When we don't overcome our negativities towards certain people in our lives, we can end up living our lives running away from them or engaging in arguments with them.
Do you often find yourself trying to avoid certain kinds of people?
To Accept someone that one cannot accept is a powerful thing because by accepting that person, we are not just accepting one person, but all others that are just like them.
After learning to accept the unreasonable people in our lives, we may end up becoming friends with them! We may even learn new things from them because these people will always think and do things drastically different from how we do them!
Path Of Creator
Unreasonable In Relation To The Path Of Creator
The journey begins first with understanding that the deeper reason as to why a person is “unreasonable” is because of the beliefs we have about how "The Self should be".
And such Ideas we have towards Other Selves will always come back to the Ideas we have towards ourselves.
Deep down, we will always judge others on how we judge ourselves.
To make progress on the journey, one learns to focus their energy on Stillness. Instead of focusing their purpose on the arguments of what is "right and wrong" one can redirect their purpose to experiencing greater happiness, which conversely is the letting go of these ideas.
With Stillness comes Self-Knowing.
The more one practices stillness, the more one will gain insight into the causes as to why one cannot accept others simply for who they are.
What one will discover on their journey of Self-Knowing is that what we find unreasonable within ourselves, one will also find unreasonable in others.
On the journey of Self-Transformation, there really is no right and wrong ways to deal with unreasonable people. Everything can be catalysed for Self-Knowing if that becomes the intention.
For example, through the disagreements with people, one can get to know their suffering states of mind more. Through exercising restraint from such engagements, one can focus on developing Stillness more. By spending time with unreasonable people as friends, one can learn to accept them for who they are. By carrying the intention to learn from unreasonable people, one can learn to accept what one cannot accept about oneself.
So what to do?
Just realize that as long as you are carrying the right intentions, you will be making progress on the journey!
The destination is towards unconditional love and acceptance inwards and outwards.
At The Idea Level
All sufferings begin when we have become attached to beliefs that promote Self-Rejection.
Let us look at a Negative Idea to understand it more.
"It is not ok to be unreasonable"
→I reject myself and others when I am/they are unreasonable
→ There will be fear when I appear unreasonable because it is not ok.
When the mind becomes attached to such a declaration, The mind will tend to hold a fear of being unreasonable and at the same time reject those who are.
The journey of developing Self-Acceptance is about transforming the Negative Idea from "It is not ok to be unreasonable" -> "It is ok to be unreasonable"
The transition towards the positive declaration can happen when one gradually realizes that what one cannot accept in others is a reflection of what one cannot accept in oneself.
For instance, if we are angry at others for asking us to buy them food at our own expense, we will likely be angry at ourselves if we ask others to do the same thing.
To Transform the Negative Idea, the importance is not so much about doing it at the physical level. Thus, to accept an unreasonable person is not about becoming unreasonable ourselves or learning to be their best friend, but rather, it is about developing forgiveness and compassion towards those who make unreasonable demands.
Whatever one wishes to do at the physical level will be up to their own choice.
Although in saying this, becoming as unreasonable as the other person can also serve as a Catalyst as it will offer opportunities for one to develop Self-Acceptance towards oneself in a more direct way. However, without the practice of meditation and the right intentions, such practices can bring great disturbance to the mind.
When one has fully released the negative idea, one would have passed through many experiences of realizing that everyone deserves to be loved no matter how strange their personality may be. One's happiness will no longer be affected by the actions and presence of Unreasonable Selves.
One will also have accumulated the wisdom as to how to deal with unreasonable people at the physical level too. I.e. when to argue, when not to argue, when to avoid, and so forth. These actions will no longer be fueld by the intention to reject the Other Self, but done out of wisdom accumulated from one's own life experiences.
The journey is balanced through moving also towards the opposite declaration
"It is ok to be reasonable"
Develop Experienced Knowledge
Whenever you encounter someone who is unreasonable, you can ask yourself the following question to develop Self-Knowing.
“What is it that I cannot accept about them?”
And then realize that what you cannot accept about them is what you cannot accept about yourself.
The Creator's Meditation / VipassanaLink here
Whenever you are in a state of confusion as to how to deal with an unreasonable person as you find yourself constantly thinking about them in your meditation session, simply focus your attention on observing the body journey with Stillness.
This is how you can develop the Stillness of the Mind when you encounter them in real life.
Know and Transform The Self!
Try the 10 Day One-Self Catalyst to uncover your deepest Negative Ideas / States of Self-Rejection. In this course you will learn how to naturally let go of judgement towards yourself and others in a powerful way to create greater happiness within.