"Can you control yourself from trying to control others?"
Defining Outward Control
Control here is defined in the context as trying to change others whether it is in the way of doing things, or in the ways of thinking i.e. controlling other people's opinions, beliefs and lifestyle and so forth.
The article is about addressing the Suffering State of Mind when one experiences the desire to control others.
Outward Control In Depth
To properly address the Sufferings that can be experienced when one tries to control others, one needs to address it at the level of the state of mind rather than the action.
For instance, when we experience the suffering states of the mind such as anger and impatience in moments when we try to control others, the suffering is there not because of whatever actions that has happened in the outer world, but rather it is because of what is happening in our mind i.e. because our desires are not being fulfilled.
Realize that if we were simply expressing our own beliefs and opinions about what we were thinking to others, i.e. telling a meat eater that eating meat is bad without the attached desire to change them then we would not encounter any Suffering States of the mind.
That is why if one wishes to address any issues to do with control, one will have to focus on addressing it at the state of the mind rather than simply addressing it at the action level.
Though in saying this, transforming one's behaviours with the intention to Know One Self can be helpful. For instance this can be about learning to refrain oneself from controlling others and this action allow one to experience and become aware of the inner resistances within when one tries to do so. Then from this awareness one can develop deeper Self-Knowing of why the need to control is there which can lead to greater Self-Transformation..
One can also develop the Knowing of how much one has issues to do with Control by observing how much negativity is experienced when others are not in agreement with our opinions.
Importance Of Addressing Outward Control
When we have a desire to control others, it can bring a great deal of misery – because what we will discover is that people rarely will do what we expect/desire them to do.
One will never experience true happiness if one is in a state of needing to control. This state of mind is simply a sign that The Self is currently rejecting the moment rather than Accepting the moment.
Control is what drives the Negative Emotion which is Anger. Thus anger will always follow when there is a need to control others.
Do you often try to control what other people are thinking and doing?
The need to control others can fuel us with anger which can bring great confusion to our mind. As a result it can make it difficult for us to express ourselves clearly because the desires to control others can bring out so much negativity that can make our mind chaotic. Also the negativities can also drive one to imagine things that may not happening in the present moment which can greatly unground oneself.
Path Of Creator
Outward Control In Relation To The Path Of Creator
The journey begins by understanding that it is not through our actions which define whether or not we are being controlling but rather it is through our internal reactions. For instance, as long as we experience negative reactions within when we are in a disagreement with someone then we are in fact Suffering so such experiences mean that there are still room for further growth and transformation.
The need to control can create anger and confusion to the mind thus it can be difficult for one to understand that one has a control issue. Thus unless one develops a high level of Stillness i.e. through the practice of meditation, it can be difficult for one to be aware of the need to address one's issues to do with anger and control.
The destination we want to reach is a state where we can express ourselves - even if we have different opinions - with the state of acceptance / peace / harmony within even if other people do not accept our opinions.
As all forms of Sufferings recede to Negative Ideas, let us look at the theme of control at the Idea Level of the mind.
At The Idea Level
When we have become attached to a Negative Idea we will not desire for it to manifest itself in the world. This desire in particular is what drives the need to control.
When one encounters the need to control others, it could be said that one is experiencing the surfacing of a deeply rooted Negative Idea. This is because the Negative Idea experienced would have been so deeply rooted in the mind for one to feel the compulsion to change others or the situation around them. The deeper the Negative Ideas are rooted in the mind, the deeper the suffering states of the mind. So from this perspective, the desire to control others can be understood as the desire to release oneself from the pain caused by the Negative Ideas.
Another reason as to why One would feel the need to control others at the Idea level can come from one's ideas about responsibilities - i.e. much like the ideas that parents have about controlling their kids. So there can be a few reasons as to the cause for the desire to control others, and for one to develop the Knowing, one can simply become aware of the pains and negativities experienced when one refrains oneself from controlling others.
Let us explore a possible Negative Idea that can be deeply rooted in the mind for one to experience the need to control others.
“It Is Not Ok To Be Wrong”
It is natural that everyone has their own unique Ideas of what is right and wrong. But when we become attached to the Negative Idea that “It is not ok to be wrong” then one can fall into the illusion/belief that some things must be corrected “i.e. controlled” so that it becomes right.
As a consequence this can drive one to control others in a negative way i.e. defying other people’s ideas and striving to change them until it suits their own beliefs. And The Self who does this will often fall into the illusion that they are “helping” others and doing something “loving.” Whether or not they are doing this out of love will require them to know whether they are doing such “corrections” out of Fear / Negativity or out of actualy Love / Wisdom from within.
The transition towards the positive declaration begins through developing Self-Acceptance i.e. becoming more loving towards The Self as is, rather than living to meet the expectations of what The Self “should be.” When we become more accepting toward others and ourselves when they/we are wrong it will allow us to release the fear of being wrong as well.
So it will be a journey of developing Two-Way Acceptance.
Realize that if we continue in the attempts of trying to change other people when they are wrong because of the negative reactions we experience from within we will not only be sustaining the Negative Idea but also the Fears of being Wrong within as well.
Develop Experienced Knowledge
To develop deeper Self-Knowing one can try to maintain a state of Stillness in situations where they experience the desire to control others.
Then simply observe the Inner Resistance and ask the question.
“Why cannot I accept that person as Is?”
And then ask,
“Why can I not accept that part in myself as well?”
The Creator's Meditation / VipassanaLink here
When you meditate and experience noise or distraction surrounding you which disturbs your practice i.e. noise from the kitchen or from cars nearby, simply Accept that they are there without the desire to control them.
The more you can simply Accept the "flaws" and "imperfections" that can happen during the meditation the more you are developing Self-Transformation.
Know and Transform The Self!
Try the 10 Day One-Self Catalyst to learn how to naturally forgive and accept all possibilities of The Self in life. Here you will realize that in developing Self-Acceptance, you will unlock all your potential for greater power and happiness within.