"The Hidden Desires To Be Unloved"
Defining Unrequited Love
What is Unrequited Love?
When someone doessn't love us in the same way we love them, that is pretty much what unrequited Love is.
Certainly, it can be a heart-wrenching experience when the feelings of affection we have for others are unrequited, the pain growing worse the more we love them.
Love should be a happy feeling right?
Not a painful one!
So, in this article, you will be taken on a tour to explore the experience of unrequited love to understand why it may be happening in your life by exploring the answers to the following questions:
"Why is it so painful?"
"Why is it constantly happening to us?"
"What are the spiritual lessons behind such experiences?"
"How to properly address unrequited love so that I can be happy?"
We will first explore unrequited love from the secular perspective and then the spiritual perspective.
Unrequited Love In Depth
Let us learn more about what unrequited love really is by examining the experience from different angles to get a bigger picture.
To begin, realize that Unrequited Love in itself is neither good nor bad. If one views the experience from the outside, one will find that it's simply an experience when one's love for others is unreturned. And everyone will react to that same experience differently.
For instance, there are some of us who can constantly give out love without experiencing pain when the love is unrequited. For instance, a doting mother, a volunteer worker, a pickup artist who is always asking for girl's numbers, and so forth.
Some people just don't care when they are rejected by the people they want affection from.
So, everyone will react to the experience of unrequited love differently. Some will not be affected by such an experience; some will suffer.
Then, what is causing the experience to be Suffering?
It's the way one perceives the experience. For instance, if one can perceive the experience of being rejected by others as something of a natural and normal occurrence, one will be able to easily accept the experience and move on.
On the other hand, if one cannot see the experience of unrequited love as a natural one, then most likely one will have a tougher time accepting it. And the more one cannot accept the experience, the more one will experience pain inside.
So, if one wishes to explore the true cause of one's pain, one will need to learn about why one is perceiving such experiences so negatively rather than see the person who rejected them as the cause of their Sufferings.
One can ask the following question to gain clarity:
Why can't I simply accept the experience?
What is causing me to reject this experience?
The more one questions, the more one will find answers. Ultimately, one will find the cause of one's inability to accept the experiences of unrequited love comes from one's beliefs about what love is. These beliefs often involve ideas about what we should receive when we give out our love. It can also be ideas about what kinds of love we need in life to be happy and fulfilled.
And what kinds of specific ideas these may be, one will have to discover themselves. So it's important for one to develop their own Self-Knowing to find answers.
But these ideas will always be about our expectations of how others should love us. And to each mind, "love" can be defined in different forms: may it be a hug, words of approval, gratitude, sexual acts, money, and so forth.
And the more we expect from others, the more pain we will experience when the love is unrequited.
So, in other words, if one can throw away all their ideas about what love should be and their expectations on what kinds of love they need in life in order to be happy, the experience of unrequited love won't be a suffering one.
In fact, one will experience greater happiness from releasing oneself from the attachment to these ideas.
Realize that all the pains that we've been experiencing this time have been caused by the attachments we have towards our beliefs of what we need in life.
And the higher we set our expectations of what we need to be happy, the more we will set ourselves up for inevitable disappointments.
This is because we simply cannot control the world and the people around us to love us in the way we want them to.
How hard is it to change someone's mind?
How difficult it is to transform our own minds?
Trying to control others will bear no fruits but just the bitterness of failure.
In failing to control others, one will also experience the negative states of mind: judgement, hurt, anger, vulnerability, self-criticism, regret, guilt, and so forth. Usually, the suffering states of the mind are highly charged in experiences of unrequited love because of the strong attachments one has for a particular outcome to manifest.
As you can see then, it's our perception of unrequited love that makes the experience a suffering one.
So, to transform the suffering, one will need to to transform their perception. And this can be done by developing wisdom.
What kind of wisdom?
The wisdom to develop is the realization that everyone will have their own definition of what “Love”. Everyone will always give and reciprocate love in their own special way.
For instance, a child may believe that love is about getting everything they want from their parents.
But some parents may believe that love is about learning not to spoil kids.
For instance, a man can believe that love is about having sex with their partners every day.
But a girl can believe that love is about having emotional connections instead.
These are just some examples of how people can think about love so differently from the other. As a result, one can easily fall into the belief that they have been rejected by the other when in reality people are just being themselves.
But it will take time for one to develop such wisdom: to accept people for who they are. And it won't be an easy journey because when we desire something so much, we can become blind to the wisdom of acceptance.
Thus the journey towards true happiness is better to be taken in small steps: to accept people more and more for who they are, step by step, day by day day, learning not to dwell in the frustration and anger of not getting the love one expects and desires, learning to forgive and be more compassionate instead.
With time, the experience of unrequited love will become less dark. One will no longer take it so personally because one has learnt that everyone has the right to choose who they wish to love.
And the more one can love others conditionally, the more one will see that it's ok for one to love oneself unconditionally as well. And developing this wisdom will greatly transform the painful experience of unrequited love.
Because the pain of the heart will always be caused by the lack of love one has for oneself. The heart aches because one has fallen into the belief that one needs more than oneself to be happy.
The Heart is always telling you that you are already perfect as is!
And it aches everytime you fail to hear this!
So, it will be an enlightening journey of Self-Discovery where one learns more and more about oneself. And as one learns to love and be happy with themselves, one will be able to let go of their expectations of others because one will no longer need to be loved by others to be happy.
It is then, one can desire for love from others out of love rather than out of attachment and expectation. Although the difference in intention can seem subtle, the quality of experience is vastly different!
There are millions of fish in the sea, why suffer by going after one that you can't get?
Stop torturing yourself!
Path Of Creator
Unrequited Love In Relation To The Path Of Creator
Unrequited Love As A Choice
Let us approach the experience of unrequited love from a spiritual standpoint.
Realize that we are all creators of our lives. We all have the power to make choices, to choose which paths we wish to embark on in life. Why you are where you are now is because of the choices you have made leading up to this point in time.
So, if you want to know why you always end up in a one-sided relationship, you will have to question yourself!
"Why have I been choosing paths towards unrequited love?"
From a spiritual perspective, there is no such thing as "bad luck" because everything you experience in life will always be the result of your choices.
But one may argue—
"Well, I have no choice in who I am attracted to!"
This is correct, but only to an extent. If one examines how the deeper mind works, one will realize that one has always been the chooser of what types of appearances one is attracted to. And that the force of attraction is dictated by our deeper beliefs about what we desire in life.
It can be difficult to become aware of this fact because most of us would only be aware of our desires on the physical level. For instance, what kinds of appearances we are attracted to.
But deep down, the Mind is constantly generating ideas on what appearances are attractive and what is not based on the ideas we have become attached to in the mind. For instance, these ideas can be about the need for power, money, marriage, kids, nice personalities, harsh personalities, abuse, unhappiness, and so forth.
Yes, it's only when you take a peek inside to see the deeply-rooted beliefs within that you can discover the plethora of weirdly and odd beliefs we have become attached to!
And some of these beliefs can create the subconscious desires for unrequited love!
This concept can be difficult to understand for the surface mind as it doesn't make sense as to why one would choose to suffer. But just like an addiction, it can only be addressed when one becomes aware of one's habit patterns and seek to understand why they are there, the why there is a need to release them. So it's important to develop Self-Awareness of the Self-Torturing beliefs we have within!
The desire for unrequited love can be formed through the various deeply rooted beliefs we have, some of which can be hidden from view. It may be that deep down, one fears of long-term relationships, fearing commitments, intamcy, and so forth. Or perhaps, it's formed by a deep belief that one is unworthy of unconditional love. Or perhaps, one simply wants one-night stands. Or perhaps, it's caused by one's attachments to be surrounded by superficial beauty rather than the desire for an actual relationship.
So, in order to uncover the causes of one's subconscious desire for unrequited love, one will need to venture within to discover their deeply-rooted beliefs.
You will always be attracted to your beliefs
Realize that the desires and beliefs we have inside will also dictate the way we are attracted to people. For instance, we can be attracted to appearances that reflect the ideas of what we desire in life, making us favour one face shape over the other, shaping our taste for vibes, attitudes, personalities, fashion, and so forth. For instance, if you have deep desire to be dominated, then you may be attracted to people whose features and demeanour make you feel that way.
So, if you want to know why you are always attracted to people that bring you suffering, you will need to question for the answers within.
"What kinds of relationships do I really want?"
"What kinds of fears do I have?"
"Why am I always attracted to traits that would bring me suffering?"
"Why am I attracted to certain looks?"
The practice of meditation can really help one to discover themselves. Because to find the answers within, it will require one to Still the mind and observe for the answers rather than think intellectually for them, as in doing so, one can end up with guesses.
One needs to constantly experience oneself, to experience one's reactions, to become aware of one's wandering thoughts and the incessant desires that are driving them.
And the practice of meditation is perfect for accumulating that experience.
The Relationship Between Desires and Ideas
To understand about the deeper cause of the desires for unrequited love, let us understand how our beliefs can create such desires.
Realize that a desire will always form from an Idea.
Without an idea, there would be no desire.
Let us observe the following idea:
“If I have an expensive car I will be happy”
See how a desire can form from one becoming attached to such an idea. Through the attachment to such an idea, one can be driven by the desire to buy expensive cars.
Thus, if you are always finding yourself in relationships with unrequited love as the outcome, realize that there would be ideas that you have become attached to at the deeper level of the mind that is driving you to desire such kinds of relationships.
For instance, if one believes that one should love others more than oneself, then one can be driven by one's subconscious desires for one-sided relationships where one can have the opportunity to be always giving. Perhaps, one may end up choosing partners with debt or drug problems so that one can look after them, and so forth.
Again, in order to know one's true personality, one needs to meditate and become aware of one's reactions.
For instance, one can believe that one is not angry, but it's only when one sits in meditation and experiences angry thoughts all the time that one gradually realizes "ah....I am angry!"
So without the practice of meditation, one will never be able to really sit down with their reactions to see how they are really feeling and thinking inside. And it's the persistent experiencing of oneself that will make one aware of what is really happening deep in the mind.
The surface mind needs to meet the deep mind in order for the Self-Knowing to develop.
So, for those who do not meditate, it can be difficult to understand some sections of this article. There are free meditation practices you can take on the courses page to experience it yourself!
Once one becomes aware of the deep beliefs they hold that are working against their experience of fulfilling relationships, that is then one will be able to begin the work of transforming these beliefs.
And the key to Self-Transformation will always Self-Acceptance—The Learning of Accepting Oneself and Others unconditionally.
When we don't love ourselves enough, we can end up overstaying in suffering relationships, even though we may know that it's not good for us.
One can even "enjoy" being in such suffering relationships with the subconscious belief that one deserves every moment of it.
When one lacks Self-Love, one can thus be more attracted to suffering relationships than loving ones. For instance, to such minds, the idea of a tranquil and conflict-free relationship may seem not as attractive as those that could bring about dramas of love and loss.
So, it's important to develop Self-Acceptance if one is ready to let go of one's self-abusing beliefs. And through transforming such beliefs, one will naturally be attracted to healthier relationships.
The journey of developing Self-Acceptance will allow one to develop the Wisdom that we will always be treated by people in the way we believe that we should be treated at the deeper level of the mind.
So, how do we develop Self-Acceptance in life?
There are many ways.
For instance, one can learn to overcome the temptation of going towards a relationship if one knows that it will be a suffering one. I.e. when one knows that being with a particular person will bring about lots of problems, troubles and sufferings.
For instance, suffering relationships can include the following: pursuing long-distance relationships with someone you'll never really see, going out with someone who already has a partner, going out with someone who only likes you for money, being with someone who is always abusing you, and the list goes on. Deep down, one would always know when a relationship will be a suffering one. But the subconscious need for a suffering relationship can make the mind convince oneself that it's doable.
By learning to overcome one's temptations to go towards such relationships is how one can develop greater love towards themselves.
To develop greater Self-Love, one can even try to demand better relationships.
Spiritually speaking, what you deeply desire, the Universe will give to you. And at the deepest level of the mind, we will always desire for greater love. So, the experiences of Unrequited love can be seen as lessons given by the Universe for us to learn about ourselves, nudging us in a direction until we realize that we need to love ourselves more.
Thus the lessons for unrequited love are usually given to the individualised souls who do not love themselves enough. And also to those who tend to direct love outwards excessively all the time. Thus from this perspective, the experiences of unrequited will help those souls to reach a balance within themselves, as souls are essentially love and light.
To grow in love, is to grow oneself.
Develop Experienced Knowledge
Here are some things that you can be aware of to understand how you can be desiring for unrequited love.
1. Realize that each time you fantasize about being in a relationship with someone you see on the streets you are desiring unrequited love. You don't even know them!
2. Realize that each time you crave for people who are already in a relationship you are declaring to the Universe that you desire unrequited love.
3. Realize that each time you fantasize about falling in love with people you do not know well, i.e. strangers, then you are declaring that you desire unrequited love.
4. Realize that every time you feel guilty from receiving love from someone, you are declaring in your mind that you do not deserve love.
“Do you love that person for who they are or who you imagine them to be?”
The Creator's Meditation / VipassanaLink here
In Meditation, when you experience wandering thoughts about being in a relationship with some one in your mind, just pull yourself back into the state of Stillness.
Realize that the more you choose to dwell in these stray thoughts, the more sufferings you will be creating for yourself. By observing how easily you can dwell in these thoughts and how difficult it is to pull yourself out, you will know more and more of your deeper desires for sufferings.
By pulling yourself into a state of Stillness, you are choosing to be happy rather than suffering. So, use every moment in meditation as an opportunity to transform the mind!
Know and Transform The Self!
We will always attract the type of relationships which will reflect our deepest beliefs. And some of us have deep beliefs about how we do not deserve love
Try the 10 Day One-Self Catalyst to uncover your deepest Negative Ideas / States of Self-Rejection. In this course you will learn how to accept and love yourself unconditionally.