"If you don't create boundaries, people will never know when they've crossed the line."
To create boundaries is about declaring to the Other Selves just how much you are willing to allow them to step into your personal space and how much you are willing to help them.
Some people know how to create boundaries well.
Some can do it too much; some too little.
When one doesn't create boundaries, then it can be easy for others to step over the line.
In this article, we will explore the subject of boundaries: how to create them, whether to create them, and why should one create them.
Boundaries In Depth
All of us will have a “sixth-sense” as to how friendly a person can be and how much a person will be willing to help us in times of need. Using our "feelers" we approach the people that makes us feel "safe" and avoid those who seem "scary".
How accurate this "sixth-sense" is will depend on the person. And the more fears one has, the more inaccurate one's predictions will be. Because fears can make one fearful of everything, even of people that may be willing to help them.
But the more we get to know a person, the easier it will be to gauge that person's willingness to support us. And it becomes that much easier to know a person if that person is always direct and honest about how they really think and feel. Basically, the clearer a person expresses themselves, the less we will have to guess about who they are.
So realize that if a Self can express oneself clearly to others, then naturally everyone will know that person's boundaries. But if a Self fails to express oneself clearly, always avoiding confrontation, always trying to be agreeable, always trying to be friendly, always hiding one's true emotions, then people will start to make guesses.
What this means is that if we are the type of person that is unable to say no to others, then people will most likely guess that we are willing to help them...all the time!
So, learning to create boundaries is not so much about developing a book skill to do so but more about developing the courage to express ourselves more clearly and honestly.
It's about learning to show our happiness and sadness honestly. It's about being more emotionally and mentally transparent and letting others know when they have stepped over the line. This is how you draw the invisible line between you and Other-Selves. This is how you create boundaries: by expressing your individuality.
So, if you do experience anger at others for stepping over the line, realize that the deeper cause is you for allowing them to.
People will often step over lines when they don't know where the line is. And people can "take advantage" of people if they feel that they can get away with it. But sometimes, people may just be innocent, just getting you to help them just because you seem willing. But your anger towards your inability to say no can become subconsciously redirected at them, making them appear like a criminal for forcing you to do things you don't want to do.
Thus, creating boundaries is about learning to be oneself and addressing the fears of being honest with others.
Once this is addressed, then the issues with Boundaries will naturally be resolved.
Importance Of Addressing Boundaries
For one to create boundaries, one has to first have the motivation to do it. So, let us develop the motivation by looking at how failing to create boundaries in life can lead one on a suffering path.
When we fear saying no to others we can end up physically and mentally exhausted from meeting everyone's demands.
And when we have a habit of always saying yes to people, we can experience guilt if we try to do the opposite, which really is an unjustified suffering state of mind when you think about it. Why would you criticize yourself for saying no to others asking you to do things for them? Doesn't it make more sense for others to be the ones to feel guilty for asking you to help them?
And to make it worse, when one is in the state of guilt, one can naturally take on a guilty appearance. This is because the face and body will always take on the state of the mind. So, if you were to say no to others in such a state of mind, others will then naturally see you as someone who did something wrong! Which will make you appear worse in their minds!
Indeed, at the beginning of attempting to say no to others, it can an extremely difficult thing to do. One will no doubt face great Inner Resistances for doing something different from one's habit patterns. One can also experience states of confusion raised by the fears and negativities of one's mind.
Such fears can vary from one individual to another but they generally will all be about the fears of not being loving enough or fears of being rejected by others. As the fear of not being loving enough is simply the fear of rejecting others, one can simply understand these fears as the Fears of Self-Rejection.
These fears can create great confusion and illusions. It can make us believe that others will be angry with us if were were to say no to them or that our words will hurt them.
Without addressing these fears, it can make one direct excessive hatred towards others and oneself because it can make will live in the imagination of being judged by others, being taken advantage of by others, being bullied by others, being unappreciated by others, and so forth.
Will Creating Boundaries Limit My Relationship With People?
One of the confusions that may prevent one from learning how to create boundaries is the fear that one may lose friends through creating boundaries.
Realize that the fear of loneliness can often exacerbate this confusion.
The reality is that once your boundaries are clear, the people who used to take advantage of you will naturally distance themselves from you because you are no longer “useful” to them. And then those who are willing to accept you for who you are will stay by your side. So this can greatly improve the quality of your life and weed out those people who are incompatible with your personality.
In the end, learning to be an honest self in front of others will give others the opportunity to love you for who you are. Perhaps, you will find that people will love you even more, so these kinds of experiences can make you love yourself and others more as well!
Path Of Creator
Boundaries In Relation To The Path Of Creator
In this section, we will look at the ways to create boundaries to improve the quality of our life, and we will also look at how creating too many boundaries can be destructive to our well-being.
First, let us realize that the more we can simply be ourselves—living our lives without caring how others people see us—the greater the happiness we will experience in life.
Thus, learning how to create boundaries is not about learning when and where one should create boundaries like following rules from a book; rather, it is about learning to read from one's own emotions and thoughts and applying boundaries when one "feels" the need to.
So, it's about learning to Know Oneself. Learning to become aware of one's feelings and thoughts. Learning to be aware of what one truly wants in a given situation. Learning to be an honest Self.
Thus, for one to learn how to create boundaries, one has to first develop Self-knowing. And through that journey, one will face many confusions. Because as one tries to follow through with their true desires and create boundaries in life, one will stumble upon one's fears and thus confusion and inner conflict will arise.
To encounter darkness is unavoidable on the journey of Self-Transformation!
But it's by going through this dark process that one can come out of the darkness with ever more Knowing of what one truly wants. So, if one does encounter hardship on such a path, realize that it's simply a part of the journey!
So, the journey of creating boundaries will be a confusing one. It will be a journey that will involve one to say No to Other Selves in situations. And one will no doubt make mistakes in the beginning. Perhaps, overthinking about the situation, or offending some people. But whatever "mistakes" one does, realize that on the journey of Self-Transformation, there are no such things as mistakes, just opportunities.
Opportunities for what?
Opportunities to develop greater Self-Acceptance! Use those "imperfect" moments as opportunities to learn how to forgive oneself and others unconditionally. Use those opportunities of hardship to trust yourself that what you are doing is correct. Use every moment as opportunities to just be yourself and love yourself unconditionally no matter what happens.
And on your journey of developing Self-Acceptance, you may even discover an imbalance in the way that you are directing love.
Excess of Love Outwards
When we are strongly attached to the need to be loving all the time, it can make one direct love outwards in an excessive way, in the sense that one is not directing enough love inwards.
When this happens, one can easily lose themselves and end up serving others without considering the need to serve oneself as well.
On the journey to balance this imbalance, one will have to develop the wisdom of realizing that we can only love others as much as we can love ourselves. So, if one truly wishes to love others, one must learn to love oneself as well.
Thus the key to Self-Transformation will be to develop Self-Acceptance.
To accept others, and also oneself, unconditionally.
Can we create too much boundaries?
There's no such thing as creating too much boundaries when one is being an honest Self.
However, if creating boundaries is defined as not letting other people come into one's life, then creating too many barriers will indeed cause impediments to one's self-growth.
Realize that the more different types of people we mingle with, the more the Self-knowing will accelerate. This is because through mixing with others, frictions can arise. We will be able to meet people that we don't like, people we adore, and people that we fear. Thus, meeting these people will provide a great catalyst for us to develop Self-Knowing and refine Self-Acceptance even more, allowing us to become more courageous to be who we really are.
Another catalyst to greatly accelerate your journey of developing Self-Acceptance is to surround yourself with people who are good at making boundaries. Because by being with them and seeing how they can love themselves for creating boundaries with others, you will learn that it's okay for you to it too.
The destination is to be true selves in every moment. It is about reaching a state of mind where our expressions of ourselves match with our reactions on the inside: saying yes or no whenever we feel the need to.
And in such a state of mind, when we say no to others, we will no longer be doing it out of fear or negativity, but rather out of the natural state of love and wisdom.
It is then that we will truly know how much help to give to others for it to be beneficial and how how much will spoil them.
It is then that we will be able to see clearly whether or not people are truly needing help, or they are just too lazy to do their own work!
Develop Experienced Knowledge
Instead of deliberating back and forth on whether or not to create boundaries, just do it and learn from experience! Otherwise, you will be stuck in the old habit patterns of the mind where you don't take any action!
The Creator's Meditation / VipassanaLink here
When you experience “Unpleasant” sensations on your body journey, simply accept them "as is" rather than trying to suppress them or to run away from them.
This will help you to be honest with yourself especially when experiencing the “imperfect / ugly” parts of The Self.
Thus when you experience pain, embrace it with a calm Mind and allow it to happen in its full force without exaggerating or diminishing it. Then try to overcome it with Stillness.
Through the continual practice of being honest with oneself in the Inner World it will allow one to be comfortable with being honest in one's life.
Know and Transform The Self!
Try the 22 Days Creators Meditation Course to develop Self-Knowing of who you are, of your deepest fears and desires so that you can create the life that you truly desire.